Today I have a special guest, Elisabeth Klein Corcoran.
Elisabeth is the author of Unraveling.
While God’s best is restoration of marriages,
sometimes no matter how hard we try,
it just doesn’t happen. How do you hang on to faith?
How do you trust again?
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“I just don’t trust him anymore. How can I? He has been lying to me for so long now. And yet, at the same time, I feel totally guilty that I don’t trust him. It feels like I should be and that I’m in the wrong.” These were the words of my friend as we sat with our mentor. Her tears just kept coming as I watched her internal struggle spill out.
Our mentor asked gently, “Who betrayed whom?”
“My husband betrayed me,” my friend answered with hesitation.
Our mentor asked gently, “Who lied to whom?”
“My husband lied to me,” my friend answered a bit more confidently.
“Then he is the one who needs to rebuild the trust. You couldn’t even rebuild it if you tried,” our mentor said, reaching for my friend’s hand.
I was shocked when I heard these words. I had always assumed that it was the Christian thing to do to try to make myself trust again any person who had ever hurt me, confusing forgiving – something we are called to do, with trusting.
I had this image in my mind of a brick wall that two people are building together. Each sweet memory, every secret shared, was another brick forming the steady wall of their relationship. But then if one of the people were to lie to or hurt the other, the bricks would tumble down. Except in my image, I – even as the victim – was always the one trying to restack the bricks. With mortar and resentment all over my hands, I would put one more brick on top, only to watch the wall come crashing down again at the next betrayal.
Our mentor went on to say, “Your job is to be open to his attempts to rebuild trust if and when they come. That is your only job. That, and forgiveness and kindness, of course.”
What our mentor was saying to us was a revelation to me. This was a new way of looking at what happens after a betrayal takes place.
Some tips to help in this challenging time:
Pray for an open heart. You cannot make your heart open up wide on your own. This will take a work of God. But he can do it.
Take each bitter though captive for Christ. In time, you will not struggle with thoughts of the specific details and lies that took place, but right now in the moment, you might. Prepare yourself with a Scripture or a phrase to say outloud (even “stop!”) each time an errant thought comes racing across your mind.
You and God may determine your timeline for healing; your spouse does not. Only you can know when you’re feeling better, when you feel you can trust again. You are allowed to ask to look at a cell phone or know computer passwords or ask a guy friend to keep your husband accountable. And you’re allowed to have this go on until you feel steady again. And, if your husband is truly repentant and wishing to repair the damage that’s been done, though it’ll be hard on him, he should comply willingly.
Show yourself, and your spouse, much grace. This will take much time. And many missteps on both of your parts. Rebuilding trust – and being willing to let it happen – will not happen overnight. Your husband will mess up. You will mess up. But then there’s grace.
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“I just don’t trust him anymore. How can I? He has been lying to me for so long now. And yet, at the same time, I feel totally guilty that I don’t trust him. It feels like I should be and that I’m in the wrong.” These were the words of my friend as we sat with our mentor. Her tears just kept coming as I watched her internal struggle spill out.
This article was for me today. Trust has been obliterated in my marriage – well, now in my divorce. I totally identified with trying to restack the bricks. Don't know why I think that is my responsibility. Probably because my ex tells me it is because "I'm the one that left." Well, duh!! Six affairs in 3 years time, porn addiction and NO signs of repentence…yeah, I left. It was the only choice I had to protect my health, my sanity, and my boys' lives.
I struggle with trust now in every area of my life and feel utterly broken inside at times. Thanks for this post.
Kim, Thank you for stopping by. Trust does take time to rebuild and you have been through a lot! I pray that God will bless you with strength and grace during this season. God is Faithful.
The story of my life, exactly. The only difference is that my husband has no desire to re-connect or regain my trust. The first time it ever happened, I told him that I was willing to work out the issues in our marriage and all I ask of him was to discontinue his ties with the other woman (who's married). He lied to my face and continued contacting her, even creating a new e-mail account which i have no knowledge of. I tried to believe him and after coming home at 7 am in the morning without any excuse a year ago(and this happened many times over the course of our marriage),I packed my bags and left. He will not show me his credit card statements to this day as i know the other woman had access to his card. I don't think she's the only one.
He hasn't really made any attempts to reconnect and tells his family and friends that he is just waiting for me to return home. For 10 years I hardly slept when I was with him, pacing the room at 2 to 5 am in the morning, wondering where he was and phone calls will go unanswered and if there was an answer, it would be to say that he was driving or on his way home (which does not really happen until 2 or 3 hours have passed). He refuses to tell me where he has been and keeps a stoic front. How do I go home to that?
Grace Lee, My heart hurts for you. It's hard enough to forgive when your husband repents, but so much so when he does not. Forgiveness does not always lead to restoration, but it will set you free from bitterness. Allow God to restore your heart to Him, allow Him to heal your wounds. God longs to comfort you in your distress! Grace, I hope and pray you find rest in Him.